Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
