btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
