By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
