true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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