officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
