We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
