I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
