omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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