oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Text me some of your sweat
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
