someone owes me an orgasm
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
