you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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