Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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