I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
