I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
