it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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