I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We left an ass print on the piano.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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