this boner is exhausting
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
