I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
