OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize