Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
