Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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