Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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