i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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