babies were throwing up all over the place
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
