Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
