Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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