Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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