happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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