You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
