Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I need water and some morals
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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