Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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