the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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