Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
