My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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