atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
