I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
