they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
