Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I think I just sharted jello shots
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