he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
