Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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