I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
