and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
