woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
