my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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