I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
