Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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