i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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