Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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