I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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