If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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