i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
