Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
