The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
