I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Dicks are not precious.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize