I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
