I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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