do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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