just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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