so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
